I'm officially a basketcase

So I keep going back and forth on whether or not to test early or just wait it out until CD30 on Monday. One minute I am convinced that I really am pg and the next I am certain that I am not.
Well, this morning I *almost* POAS, but just couldn't bring myself to do it. What is wrong with me that I am so AFRAID of putting urine onto a test stick? What am I so afraid of? Why does a BFN bother me so much? I usually have little to no hope of ever getting a BFP, sad I know. I am always looking ahead as to what I will do, or do differently, during the next cycle. It's always "next time" or "next month" for me. Why is that? Seriously people, I think I am losing my mind.
I think this cycle has really hit Batman hard too. Reading his blog yesterday made me cry, knowing he is scared, but knowing he does want to be a dad. Reading the song he wrote about our son 4 years ago...
We (okay maybe just me) have been kind of actually hopeful that the Clomid worked and we might have done it. I try not to get my hopes up like this a lot because I know how devastated I get when there is only one line on that test. I cry for days, and at the drop of a hat (have I mentioned I am a pretty emotional person?) I know come Monday when I don't see two lines it will be a rough day (see doom and gloom, doom and gloom)
Maybe it's just that my BFF's babyshower (which I planned and am hosting BTW) is tomorrow and I am sad that it isn't mine. I don't know. My emotions are just all over the place today (okay they have been for a while now)
I was kind of nauseous this morning, but I can't read into that as any kind of IPS since it's way too early to be experiencing THAT pg symptom. I have been tired for the last, oh, week or so. I chalk that up to restless sleep and not working out. See? There are some signs there, but they can all be explained away.
I guess I am just hopeless today...

WTF?

So there is a reason I don't/ won't let family read this blog (they don't really know I have one, and I want it to STAY that way). My SIL is always spouting off about some new thing that she read (BTW she knows EVERYTHING about EVERYTHING) and already gives inaccurate and unsolicited infertility advice. All/ most of which I ignore because I have been at this long enough to know what's what. Besides I have a really hard time taking advice about infertility from someone who gets knocked up at the drop of a hat (My neice was conceived when SIL and BIL were in college and not "careful" and my nephew was a "maybe we should try for another baby? Oh I guess we are pg." baby)
Yesterday she had a post up on our family blog regarding an article about the relationship between women who drink alcohol during pg and autism in children. She went on a complete rant about how this behavior is extremely selfish and "can't you just do something right for your child during pg when your child doesn't have a choice?" I was completely irritated with this. Although I will *probably* not imbibe during pg, I would never judge someone who did. It's not my place. If they want to have a drink now and then, it's their choice. SIL on the other hand would probably run up and take the drink out of their hand and pour it over their head. In my mind a sip, or heaven forbid a whole glass, of wine or beer is not going to do any damage to a child in utero. After reading her running commentary on the ills of alcohol, I went back and read through the article. Amazingly enough the women in the study had upwards of 15 drinks a week. Um... correct me if I am wrong but that sounds like an awful lot. That would be at least 3 drinks a night. I don't think she caught on to the amount because she kept referring to "even one drink."
Seriously woman! Read the entire article and stop being such a judgemental b*tch! Ugh!
Today, mysteriously, the post has disappeared. Weird?!
And, no, I didn't respond to her on there. It wasn't worth it to me.

Sorry for the rant, just had to get it out.

PS- for Nancy- I am on an unmonitored Clomid cycle (maybe because it's my first?) but I am going to ask that I at least get the CD3/ 21 (or 7dpo) b/w done this next cycle.
PPS- my uterus (or what I think is my uterus LOL) feels weird. Kind of like an aching or something... weird huh?

I like roller coasters...

but this is ridiculous!

I have been going through the emotional roller coaster ride the past couple of days (along with being exhausted) and it's really starting to wear on me. One minute I think we just might have done it this cycle, and the next I am completely deflated thinking that I probably didn't even O and the Clomid didn't work. I have worked myself into a frenzy over nothing. Jeesh! It's exhausting just keeping up with my thoughts these days!

IPS so far are little to none other than being tired. All the time. ALL. THE. TIME. I think this is what gets me the most because last time I was preggo this was the only RPS that I really remember (it was 4 years ago... give me a break) so it has me thinking. and stressing. and hoping. and praying.

I'm just so tired of all the what ifs, you know? Let me off this ride already!

Suspicious...

So I forgot about one thing this weekend... As I was cleaning our bathrooms and emptying the garbage I noticed that ALL (yes, ALL) of the OPKs I used last weekend were expired. And not just by a month or two. April 2008.

Hm... I wonder if this had anything to do with not getting a clear positive?

It's suspicious if you ask me!

Weekend Recap

The weekend turned out absolutely fabulous! I couldn't have asked for anything better :) Friday night we watched our team beat San Jose State (which boosted then in the polls again I'll have you know! YES!) Saturday we worked on winterizing (is that even a word?) our house and yard. We mowed for (hopefully) the last time, raked leaves, power washed the house, sprayed for spiders... we really have nothing left other than raking the leaves off our front tree when it finally decides to drop its leaves. We also had our annual October date and picked out cute pumpkins, got lost in the maze and had their fabulous mini donuts!
Sunday I did my normal "date" with BFF, got my house cleaned then spent time with the IL and grandma :) Overall it was really a fantastic weekend! My only disappointment is that I wasn't able to hook up with my online friend who was coming into town over the weekend :( I was so looking forward to meeting her new little man. Oh well, next time I guess!

Yawn!

I haven't had much to blog about in the last few days, just keeping busy (not by choice) and falling in bed exhausted every night.

I haven't been sleeping well for the last few weeks and I think it's really wearing on me. I normally wake up a couple of times to go to the bathroom (have for as long as I can remember) then fall right back to sleep. Lately, though I have been waking up 8, 9, 10 times a night, looking at the clock and then rolling over only to have it take a good 10-20 minutes to get back to sleep. Let me tell you, this is EXHAUSTING! I fall asleep exhausted and barely able to keep my eyes open at 8 or 9 (if I really push myself to stay up, I can make it to 9:30-10) then I wake up just as tired as when I went to bed. I don't know if this is another side effect of the Clomid or not, but jeeze! Enough already! As I type this at work, I am having a hard time keeping my eyes open enough to read my computer screen. Ugh! I certainly hope I am not coming down with something.

Batman suggested that maybe I was so tired because we are now basically vegans and I am lacking B12 (which of course makes your body so tired when lacking) but I don't think that's it because I take a prenatal (that has 50% of suggested intake) and a B complex. Between the two I am pretty sure I am covered, don't you?

Whatever it is, I am sure and sick and tired of being tired! Hopefully this weekend I can play a little catch up on my sleep (I doubt it, but one can hope...)

I'm done...

POAS. I have been peeing on OPKs since CD12 and here it is CD17 and still no +! GRRR! Irritating. Although it could just be human error, like not holding it in long enough. Who knows?

I did have some O signs over the weekend. In fact I mentioned them to BFF and she thinks that maybe I did, but had diluted pee. So, Friday, Saturday AND Sunday I had a pretty good EWCM (not oozing out, but enough for me to know it was there) on Sunday I had what I thought *might* be O pain, but am not quite sure, on Saturday I had my darkest OPK (still not a + though), all CM has gone creamy which is typical on my O cycles... Hmm...

Am I getting my hopes up prematurely? Should I keep testing for a couple more days or call it good? Today I won't be able to test until well after 8pm as I have practice AND a meeting with my two captains afterward. I hate to waste OPKs if I don't need to, especially if I am going to need them next cycle.

Batman was in SLC over the weekend for a marketing conference so BDing happened Friday afternoon and then again when he got home Sunday night... hopefully if I did O Sunday, our timing was adequate. I guess I just have to wait and see.

Oh the wonderful 2WW...

Yes, that's right!

Have you seen the first BCS poll rankings? Um... ya my team would be #12... how freaking awesome is that?

My Friday night

So on Friday I ventured my way over the the college for Midnight Madness (this of course was after my broncos beat Hawaii that thank you very much!)
For those of you who don't know what Midnight Madness is, it's a national night where all (most) colleges introduce their basketball teams to the students/ community with an exhibition. They usually do a bunch of introductions (picture spotlights, screaming, etc) of the teams and then play games with crowd involvement like dunking contests, free throw shooting, lay up relays, etc. It's a pretty big deal, at least at the school I went to, and is always a fun time.
This year since I am coaching and not cheering it was a little different standing on the sidelines, but still a blast!
My girls did AWESOME (except for one minor flub in their routine, but I like to block that image from my mind) and I was so, so proud of them.
Unfortunately in all my excitement, I did not video tape their routine. Silly me! All I got were a few snap shots before they went on:



and our token male on the team:



I think they were a little more than disappointed that a)I forgot the video camera and b) they dropped a stunt, but overall they really did a great job! They rallied, they jumped, they kicked, they threw stunt after stunt and really got the crowd going. I couldn't ask for more, right?

Now onto the Homecoming routine... ahhh!


PS on the TTC front... CD 15... still waiting to O... Clomid apparently isn't doing its job...

October 15

Today is National Infant Loss Awareness Day.

Everyone is encouraged to light a candle tonight at 7pm and let it burn for an hour. That way there will be a candle lit somewhere, all around the world, for 24 hours.

I will be lighting a candle in rememberance of my baby angel, Gabriel.

Please light a candle for yourself or someone you know that has experienced a loss.

Hotflashes?

Maybe I am just reading into the *possible* s/e of Clomid, but I have been having hotflashes ALL morning... uh oh, here we go again...
They have been coming and going since about 7 this morning. I had one in my car on the way into the office and I got so hot and sweaty, I thought I was going to vomit. Then I have had a few every hour since I got here, not nearly as bad, but I think my undershirt is going to have sweat stains! Eek!

Maybe I just wore too many layers today, and that's the reason for the moments of hotness (is that even a word?) But my word this is crazy! I am usually a cold person (I have a slight case of Raynaud's) so this is completely abnormal for me.

Am I dreaming all of this or is it really the clomid? I finished taking it on Saturday...

Halloween costume?

I think I have found the perfect costumes for Batman and I to wear for Halloween. Since we are TTC and all, don't you think they would be appropriate?

Unfortunately it also falls on a drill weekend, so it's likely there will be no costumes in our house this year. :( Sadness!

Batman becomes a blogger

After months (okay days) of deliberation (and jealousy of mine, I think) Batman has decided to start a blog of his own. While this one usually centered around all things TTC, his is geared more towards and different side of our lives (aka probably nothing TTC).

So would you all do him the honor of reading it once in a while? You never know, you might get a kick out of it (Batman is much more funny, witty, sarcastic than me).

Here is the link. Let me know what you think :)

Countdown...

Well I was reading another blog this morning and I came across this! For those of you who haven't read the Twilight series, I would highly recommend them.

I am SO looking forward to the movie! November 21st I WILL be at the movies even if I have to drag Batman kicking and screaming! I will be making a paper chain and counting down the days until the premiere! (does that make me a freak?) I can't wait!

Not too much else going on. We have been super busy (we meaning mainly me). Last week I had cheer 4 days instead of the normal 2 and again this week! It's been really crazy, but that is what happens I guess when they all freak out about an upcoming routine (Next Friday is Midnight Madness- which kicks off the basketball seaon for our little school) It's been, well... interesting to say the least. Oh the drama that you deal with when you get 8 girls together multiple times a week! Eek! It will be nice once it's done and over, but then Homecoming is 2 weeks after that so there will be no rest for the weary :( Such is life as a cheer coach I guess...

We've been having some issues, Batman and I, regarding life, TTC, marriage, etc. We just haven't been on the same page and it has really made us distant and argumentative with each other. Other than making love, there has been little we have had in common over the last few months. It has come to blows a couple of times in the last week or so (see Breakdown 1-50) but Tuesday for some reason, things escalated even more, over stupid shit (what else is new). I wasn't an emotional basketcase this time though. And we talked. And talked. And talked. And then we went to bed, got up, went to work, came home and talked some more. It is amazing what happens when you talk, and really communicate without the bull shit, to your spouse. I think Thursday was the first day in a long time that I woke up Happyly Married. It had come to a point of tolerance I think. Was I okay being married? Sure, but it felt like we just weren't in the same place. Well, we weren't in the same place. I think it will take time to *really* be on the same page, but at least now we are reading the same book. And it's been an amazing couple of days (barring my being horribly sick yesterday). I realize this is a constant work in progress, but it's nice knowing that we are both working at it.

Clomid Day 1

I took clomid this morning and obviously it being the first day, I haven't noticed anything out of the ordinary as far as side effects. I think as the week progresses though I may have a doozy or two... we'll see though. I am usually pretty receptive (is that the right word) to drugs so I have a feeling that this will throw me for a loop over the next week.

The only thing the bottle said was "may cause dizziness." Hm...

Did anyone have any side effects and if so, what were they and when did you start noticing them?

Finally

CD1.

Doesn't that about sum it up? I thought yesterday was going to be it for sure, but it turned out to be nothing more than a little spot first thing in the morning.
Today however is the full monty. WOOT WOOT!

I am so excited to get this cycle started off with a bang *wink* Tuesday cannot come fast enough!

breakdown #541

It happened again last night. I got home from practice, watched a show with Batman, went to bed and promptly lost it... again. I am really getting sick and tired of all these dang hormones! I thought I was over being crazy emotional. In fact over the weekend I almost felt normal again, so why is all this happening again? GRRRRR! Batman once again is a SAINT and calmed me down, even though he probably should have just washed his hands of me and let me be a brat! I almost spent the night on the couch! Over something so stupid as me not walking the dog. Seriously, who gets mad at that? and SO mad that I was willing to sleep in another room? Really Tiff you need to get you effing head back on straight!! I will be only TOO happy to get these hormones out of my system!
At the prompting of you all, I found out that it can take up to 7 days (and more sometimes) for AF to finally show, so here I continue to wait... I guess it's not so bad, I just want to start another effing cycle already.
One sad thing came out of last night's hormone brawl though :( Batman expressed to me that he kind of hopes that we don't get preggo in the next couple of months (this was after I had calmed down and was back to my relatively normal self thank goodness or I probably would have ripped his head off). WTF? Why am I even taking clomid then? He feels that all of these crazy emotions are really weighing on us, along with all the other crazy changes going on in our lives. He thinks maybe we should take a step back for a couple of months, let life settle down and then get back on the wagon. Um... while I can partly understand where he is coming from, I have to object here. He does this EVERY EFFING TIME he feels even slightly stressed about things going on in our lives. He applies for a new job, better put TTC on hold. He quits smoking, oh better put TTC on hold. He quits gaming and now sees all the projects in the house that need doing, better put TTC on hold. He is having a stressful week at work, maybe we should put TTC on hold. I don't mean to be crazy about this, but COME ON!! It's kind of like the mentality of not having kids until the perfect time in your lives. I have told him time and time again. If we wait until he thinks it's the "perfect time" we will NEVER have kids!!!! Ugh!

I truly believe that he was only saying all this out of stress (as usual) so I will still be taking clomid to see if it will get me to O. It just makes me mad and sad that he even feels this way at all :( I guess that's all part of this crazy TTC process, ya?

Maybe I am crazy myself and he really is right this time?