My new love

Doesn't that just say it all? I'm head over heels for this little guy. I know I was upset yesterday and thank you all for your wonderful comments :) but as soon as I saw this little guy all that went out the window (well, until I got home and cried again... I blame the hormones) and I was in love. From his cute little button nose to his lovable squishy cheeks to his adorable forehead wrinkles, I knew I was a lost cause.


Here is me and baby Colin. He's just a doll.


And here is Mommy and Colin (please don't tell her I put up this pic... She would KILL me if she knew she was on here without makeup! LOL)

And lastly, Daddy and Colin.

Seriously, I am smitten. I think they are going to get tired of me hanging around all the time ;-)

Baby Colin is here!

BFF had her baby boy about 2 hours ago :) 7 lbs 14 oz 21.5 in long. BEAUTIFUL!! I haven't been to see them yet, but hopefully later this afternoon or tomorrow morning, but so far from pics, he is an angel! I can't wait to get my hands on the little love muffin! He is the sweetest thing I have ever seen (except for maybe my friend H's little man... he is pretty darn cute... and my nephew when he was a baby, also a doll)

Can I just be brutally honest though? I'm dying inside. There I said it. I am holding back tears right now because I am so sad that he isn't my little boy, that it wasn't me that just gave birth, that it isn't me. I feel bad for even feeling this way. I feel like I am not being a good friend because I know I will have a hard time seeing him and her, holding him, knowing it's not my turn... I don't know if any of this makes sense, or if it's normal, but I can't help but feel jealous? Is that really what I am feeling? All I know is it hurts to see her have exactly what I have been longing for for the last 4 years.
And on top of my sadness I feel angry because she plays off her pregnancy as if she were an IFer. Like 6 mos was just SUCH a LONG time to get preggo. That she has any idea of what I am going through. And I am angry because she didn't even want kids for another 3-5 years but as soon as she found out we were TTC, she had to keep up with the Jones's and jump on the baby train.
ARGH! Why can't I just let all this go and just be happy for her. It's not her fault that her body works the way it should and mine just... well, doesn't.
I hate that I have become bitter. I hate it! Why can't this process just be easy? Why can't we just get pregnant? :*(

A little late...

but better late than never I say. On sew mama sew there are a bunch of giveaways to enter of handmade crafts! go and enter!! Some of them are over but there are plenty that are still up and running until Friday! :)

Oh the hot flashes

Wait, isn't that the same title I used a couple weeks ago? Well, they are worse. Now instead of starting AFTER I stop taking the clomid, they have continued from last (wonky) cycle to this one with no break.
I can't sleep. I wake up at least every hour in a pool of sweat. It's disgusting and frustrating. And exhausting.
I think Batman is about to kick me out of the bed! He has resorted to putting a pillow between us so he doesn't accidently fall into the puddle!! He also thinks our house is bordering on cold, while I think it's a sauna most of the time.

Ugh here comes another one. I just hope they end before I have to take out all my summer clothes again!

Yay K!!

My coworker, K, just got the call from her RE today... it's a BFP!!! I am so super excited for her! She has been TTC for 3+ years now and this was IUI #10 or something crazy like that (they have both male and female IF). In fact, today she said she really expected them to tell her it was negative. She was ready to start her last cycle before pursuing IVF. When she got the results we could all here her yelling (excitedly) down the hallway :) I seriously started crying when she came back to my office and told me! She has worked so hard for this!!

I'm so praying that this little bean (or beans! OY!) stays super stuck in there!! She goes for a beta in a couple days I believe. :D

Another lousy call back

Well, I got a call back from the doc's office and this time it was the
"other nurse" (aka the one I don't like as well). Basically the conversation was as follows:
N: "Oh AF came? Did you ever get a + on OPK?"
Me:"No , I didn't but as I said my cycle was only 18 DAYS. Shouldn't I be concerned about this? And the heaviness of AF- is this a side effect or something I should worry about?" (Duh!)
N:"No, it's not a s/e and it isn't anything to worry about. Sometimes you just have shorter cycles and sometimes they are just heavier." (Uhh... webmd has abnormal uterine bleeding listed as a s/e. Apparently that is misinformation?)
Me:"Um, okay."
N:"So let's up the dosage on the clomid to 150 and see how you do" (right, because throwing more Clomid at it, is sure to fix the problem)
Me:"Could there be a possibility that Clomid just won't work for me? I was talking with my mom over the weekend and it never worked for her, and our cycles are startlingly similar"
N:"Well, it's possible, but we will just keep trying it. We don't prescribe anything other than clomid at this office. If you want to try something else we would have to refer you on to RE" (WTF!!!??)
Me:"Okay, I guess I will start the clomid today then and see if it works at the higher dosage. One last question- C said last time when you get to 150mg+ Dr W would start monitoring my cycles, like with u/s and b/w. Is that a possibility for this time?"
N: "No, we won't do monitoring until we know you probably aren't going to O or there is some other reason we should monitor you." (Are you a complete idiot?)

Again, WTF??!! Isn't the whole reason I am on f*cking clomid in the first place is that I DON'T O on my OWN?!! WTF and I on drugs for if they think my body is working normally?! And by the simple fact that I am NOT PREGNANT YET, isn't that reason enough to warrant a little piece of mind by a little monitoring? Jeeze, it's not like I am asking for her liver. I just want a couple extra tests run! Stupid, incompetent, unobliging, worthless nurse!! I am beginning to like my doc's office less and less (BTW even though I am not so happy with them now, I will NOT be changing docs {unless I get referred to RE at which point I would go back to him when cleared to} I have been through a LOT with him and these are the first issues I have had with his office- he really is an amazing doc with everything else and has seen me through a lot of tough times) And on top of it all, I am worried that RE isn't even covered by my insurance. The last time I looked into it there wasn't much coverage for IF other than some Rx's and the basic b/w and u/s and a couple other diagnostic tests (like HSG). No procedures. No IUI. No IVF.

So here I am on 150mg of Clomid, unmonitored and unhappy. :( Maybe this time it will work and then I won't have to bother talking to them about all this anymore. I just feel like they are so incompetent and unhelpful. You would think they would WANT me to get preggo since it's just more $$ in their pocket, right? I hate feeling like my questions and concerns go unanswered and overlooked. Ugh! I guess all I can do is trudge (is that even a word?) through another cycle and hope for the best.

WTF is this?

So apparently all of BDing like rabbits at the 'rents house over the holiday weekend went out the window with the arrival of AF on Saturday. WTF is that all about? I was supposed to Oing damnit! Not hosting a visit from my least favorite aunt! And to top it all off yesterday was (TMI) so heavy I was going through a tampon every couple of hours... not really that pleasant when you have to ride in a car for 8 hours. It's back to normal today, but seriously what the HELL?

I have a call into my docs office, but I haven't heard back yet. I guess I am onto Clomid round 3... and upping it once again?

We told my parents this weekend about our little bit of IF troubles. Apparently my mom was on clomid when she was TTC both my older brother and I, but it never actually worked for her so she went on something else (although she didn't say what that was). I think I will mention that to my doc (well, the nurse) and see what she says. Maybe we can try Femera? Or maybe they will just up the clomid? I guess I just have to wait and see.
I'm still unsure how I feel about my parents knowing. We haven't told Batman's parents anything other than we are trying. I guess I just feel like the less I talk about it, the less other people will want to talk about it and give unsolicited (and generally inaccurate) advice. It makes sense to talk about it with my mom though. She had a hard time TTC all of us except my youngest brother. There are 8 years between me and my little sister if that tells you anything. I just hope I don't get random emails or phone calls from anyone thinking I really care about their two cents (well, IRL people anyway... I do care what you all think!)

On a better note, we really had a fantastic time in Seattle, although all those places that I said we would be sure and visit? Ya, only got to this one. We were just too busy doing other stuff. More important stuff like eating turkey leftovers. and watching football. and playing apples to apples. (BTW, if you have never played that game, I HIGHLEY recommend it... it's loads of fun!) and shopping.

Hope everyone had a great holiday!