Tough moments

So to fill you all in on what's been happening the last few days... It's been a roller coaster of emotions once again.

 As I said in my first ttc update, I POA OPK the other day and it was negative (somehow I rationalized it was as good as peeing on HPT since if I was preggo it would more than likely be + as it was with B), which was all I had at the time. There was a small part of me that was holding out hope that I still could, in fact, be knocked up (some serious IPS/RPS going on) so I picked up a dollar store cheapie and low and behold there was a faint line. I was skeptical because it was so faint, but it was there. I comiserated with a good GF (whom I met on IV and we've since become good long distance IRL friends) and she confirmed that it was in fact + and that I should be congratulated. That was Wed afternoon.

Fast forward to Friday. POAS #2. Also positive. Still pretty faint, but definitely a line (although it was faint enough that my first thought was that it was negative). Batman even saw the line, was skeptical but optimistic.

At the urging of above friend, I called my doc's office, who also said a line is a line is a line is a line... They called in orders for BW for anytime I want them this next week for a beta (or 2 depending on the numbers). They also had me make an first OB appt and u/s.

And I let myself be excited. And hopeful. And I daydreamed. And I asked Brynna if she wanted to be a big sister. And did she want to have a sister or a brother (sister btw). And for one moment, I felt like "wow, it really can be an easy process."

And then woke up this morning after many, many dreams of seeing 2 really pretty pink lines and I went to POAS this morning, just to see if the line was getting darker. It was a defective test. No lines whatsoever. I should have taken that as a bad omen.

I wiped. Clots, bright red blood.

It's over.

No cramping, but I hardly ever cramp, even with past miscarriages.

I knew better than to let myself dream. To let myself get excited. To really believe that it was happening and so easily.

Batman isn't too disappointed. To him it was just an egg and a sperm.

But to me? To me that was a son or daughter I won't get to meet. To me, that was a sister or brother that Brynna doesn't get to be a big sister to. To me it was a BABY. Not just a bunch of cells. To me it was hope.

I told myself I wasn't going to get upset. I told myself I wasn't going to cry. But dammit I can't help it. I wanted this one so bad. As bad as I wanted Brynna.

And I feel so alone.

Lord? Where are you today?