Sunday, December 25, 2011

Merry Christmas

I hope everyone has had a fantastic day! We sure have! Brynna has been spoiled beyond belief!

More posting coming up this week! Promise! If you're my friend on FB you can see our family pic. If not, well friend me already! ;)

Happy holidays!

Monday, December 12, 2011

Another reason I'm MIA

I finally have internet again! Hooray!

First off, thank you all so much for your words of encouragement and support once again! It always amazes me that I have so many good friends that I've never met in real life ;-) What did we do before the internet? Seriously!?
Second, I'm feeling much, much better and we are ready to try, try again. I have a m/c follow up with my doc on the 21st in which I will talk to him about progesterone supps. He put me on those with B as a precaution and I wonder if I need to go that route again? I also am concerned that, while my body seems to be working correctly at the moment (which it did for a couple months after I came off the BCP before), it may go back to being stupid and anovulatory again. I think they may be doing some bw to make sure my hcg is back down to 0 as well. They did want Batman and I to take a break this month and use back up BC, but to be honest we won't. If I had waited a couple more days to test, I never would have known it was a mc so I guess I don't see the point in putting TTC on hold another month. Do you? Am I/ are we crazy? I also figure we got preggo with B the cycle after mc, so it can't be all bad to keep trying, right? Plus we don't really do condoms. And really, what else is there that's not going to completely screw up my body even more?

In other news and on a happier and brighter note (and the whole reason you haven't heard from me lately)- Batman and I decided that since my IL are on a two week vacation in the Caribbean (so we could stay at their place), we would replace our flooring NOW instead of when we get our tax return. So we picked out flooring last Monday, started renovating and removing our current flooring (yes, we are doing the removal ourselves) that night, and have been busy every day getting ready for the installation- They started that TODAY! I am so, so very excited to have brand new floors in our house. They were disgusting when we moved in almost 8 years ago, so you can imagine what they look like now! The install should be done by Friday and we should be moved back in next weekend.

I've taken a few pics of the before and during. Now I'm just waiting for the after. And I'm hoping this makes me like my house again, since we won't be able to move for at least another 2-3 years.  Here's to hoping...

Hope all is well for y'all!

Sunday, December 4, 2011

Tough moments

So to fill you all in on what's been happening the last few days... It's been a roller coaster of emotions once again.

 As I said in my first ttc update, I POA OPK the other day and it was negative (somehow I rationalized it was as good as peeing on HPT since if I was preggo it would more than likely be + as it was with B), which was all I had at the time. There was a small part of me that was holding out hope that I still could, in fact, be knocked up (some serious IPS/RPS going on) so I picked up a dollar store cheapie and low and behold there was a faint line. I was skeptical because it was so faint, but it was there. I comiserated with a good GF (whom I met on IV and we've since become good long distance IRL friends) and she confirmed that it was in fact + and that I should be congratulated. That was Wed afternoon.

Fast forward to Friday. POAS #2. Also positive. Still pretty faint, but definitely a line (although it was faint enough that my first thought was that it was negative). Batman even saw the line, was skeptical but optimistic.

At the urging of above friend, I called my doc's office, who also said a line is a line is a line is a line... They called in orders for BW for anytime I want them this next week for a beta (or 2 depending on the numbers). They also had me make an first OB appt and u/s.

And I let myself be excited. And hopeful. And I daydreamed. And I asked Brynna if she wanted to be a big sister. And did she want to have a sister or a brother (sister btw). And for one moment, I felt like "wow, it really can be an easy process."

And then woke up this morning after many, many dreams of seeing 2 really pretty pink lines and I went to POAS this morning, just to see if the line was getting darker. It was a defective test. No lines whatsoever. I should have taken that as a bad omen.

I wiped. Clots, bright red blood.

It's over.

No cramping, but I hardly ever cramp, even with past miscarriages.

I knew better than to let myself dream. To let myself get excited. To really believe that it was happening and so easily.

Batman isn't too disappointed. To him it was just an egg and a sperm.

But to me? To me that was a son or daughter I won't get to meet. To me, that was a sister or brother that Brynna doesn't get to be a big sister to. To me it was a BABY. Not just a bunch of cells. To me it was hope.

I told myself I wasn't going to get upset. I told myself I wasn't going to cry. But dammit I can't help it. I wanted this one so bad. As bad as I wanted Brynna.

And I feel so alone.

Lord? Where are you today?

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Pumpkin Patch

Remember way back to October? We actually did pick out pumpkins way back then! Our CSA farm does a pumpkin patch for members every year so, like last year, we took Batman's BIL (and family) and picked out our pumpkins (which btw never got carved)

Here's a little movie of all the pics (I figured that might be easier than making you scroll through them all) Sorry there's no music... I'm way too lazy busy for that ;-)

OKay nevermind... blogger hates my slide show... pictures it is: