Tuesday, September 30, 2008


How is it that AF has not shown up yet? Seriously! I took the last Provera on Saturday! Hurry up so I can start another cycle for crying out loud!!

In other news we paid off our credit card debt over the weekend :) Woot woot! And then we celebrated by going on a wine tasting/ dinner train. Um... I wouldn't recommend it to really anyone. It was completely cheesy and you could tell it was run by an outfit in small town Idaho. Maybe that's what I should have expected? I didn't really think I had any expectations going into it, but apparently I did. And it failed. Miserably. The "wine tasting" portion turned out to be a small swallow of each of 4 wines (all of which were pretty terrible and I DO like wine) and instead of full dinner they served hors d'oeuvres which were also just terrible. Pretty much it was a waste of $80 (for the two of us) and 2 and half hours.

Live and learn. LIVE and LEARN!

Friday, September 26, 2008


Have I posted on how much I HATE the Idaho Medicaid system? Because I do. I realize hate is a strong... but oh yes! I HATE THEM!!! Let me tell you why...

Every little stinking thing on their claims has to 100% exactly the way THEY want it otherwise they deny it or send it back to you. And let me tell you, their demands are absolutely R.I.D.I.C.U.L.O.U.S.!!! You have NO idea!! If they are secondary to another insurance they have to go paper, on which you have to manually tally the unpaid amount from the other insurance to them. If the primary insurance is anything other than Medicare you have to have a referral from their primary care provider (called their "healthy connections provider") and have that provider and number listed on the claim. If they are the only insurance this "healthy connections provider" also has to be on it. If you don't have the physical referral form in your posession and they audit you, you are SOL and they will take back the money. If the claim is even slightly off-centered and the numbers/ letters/ etc are even partway outside the box they need to be in, they deny it (most insurances aren't that picky as their systems will still read the claim). No staples are allowed. No folding either.

UGH! Sorry about the vent session but I recently had to REDO a bunch of claims for them that were originally filled out incorrectly by another lady in our office (who didn't know better). They now are telling me they were not filled out correctly again. MY ASS THEY WEREN'T!! I filled them out myself AND took copies so I know what was sent! So now I have to do them ALL over again... there were over 100 of them.

Ugh! Yay for Monday... maybe I can forget about this over the weekend...

Provera post #3... too many emotions

Have you ever had those days when you are just sitting at your desk and all the sudden you have an epiphany? That happened to me today. I was sitting here "chatting" on gmail with Megs and it hit me... This time next month I could *actually* be preggo. I don't think I have been this optimistic since C1 about 3 and 1/2 years ago. I mean, yes, I have been optimistic in the past and had months of sincere hope somewhere in the last few years, but for some reason in the last year of TTC I think I may not have ever been this filled with the actual possibility of getting preggo! Oh my goodness I could have wept, I was so joyful!!!

And then the crazy roller coaster hormones kicked in AGAIN and I quickly felt anxious, then sad that it also might not be our cycle. I almost wept...
Ugh! I will only be too happy to no longer be taking Provera... seriously!

Last night was quite the roller coaster as well.

Batman came home with a wonderful little surprise for me that I L.O.V.E.D. and can't wait to watch tonight. That was the extent of the happiness for the evening though. I was feeling lethargic and kind of melancholy, didn't want to go on a jog with Batman (which kind of pissed him off) and just sat on my ass until the neighbors called to go on a walk (we do this most nights as I have an overweight dog that could really use the exercise... not to mention myself, and they have 2 dogs that need to expend some energy). Deb and I spent pretty much the ENTIRE walk bitching and moaning about our hubbies and just life in general. (I don't really get where she is coming from though as her husband just got home from Afghan on Sunday... I wouldn't really be complaining about anything he was doing, but whatever)
She kindly gave me a box of mac-n-cheese for dinner though, so I can't really be too hard on her (mac-n-cheese is my weakness!).

I watched The Office with Batman (favorite show in the whole world BTW... GO JIM for finally proposing to Pam... sorry for those who have DVR'd but not watched yet) and promptly got pissed off at nothing and took myself off to bed.

I have to say one thing here: Thank GOD Batman is a saint!

After crawling in bed, Batman and I talked about our days (the usual), at which point I flew off the handle at him being a little upset that I didn't work out with him (I am constantly telling him how much I HATE how much weight I have gained and how much I LOATHE my body) and then started crying when he said he was just sad that I didn't want to make any changes even though I complain about myself. And then I cried harder when he said he loved me anyway, but just doesn't like to see me unhappy with how I look or any part of myself (what a sweet, sweet man).
Can I just say again, I will only be too happy to take my last pill tomorrow? I don't think Batman (Or I) could take too many more days of this.

I realize that pregnancy will bring this out again (as last time I was preggo Batman and I almost didn't get married and then almost got divorced... no joke) but I have high hopes of being able to combat it somewhat. I think going into it "knowing" I will be an emotional basketcase, Batman will be better prepared this time around. As will I. This is probably completely flawed.

Until then I will try not to get pissed off or cry at the drop of a hat over the next few days.

Thursday, September 25, 2008

Provera Day 3

I'm already an emotional basket case... the Provera just adds to it. Last night we had our last softball game of the fall season (I did AWESOME BTW and we won) and for some reason when we drove away from the field, I starting crying. Who does that? Really!

Not much news other than that. It's Thursday and the weekend is still a couple days away. Woe is me...

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

BFN, Provera and being overwhelmed

So today is the day... I POAS and well, BFN (big surprise) so Provera it is! I'll pick it up on my way home tonight and take it before I go to bed. I'll be on it for 5 days and then we wait for AF. Moving on...

Last night was rough for me. I just am feeling so overwhelmed by all the craziness in our lives right now. I almost gave up on TTC altogether! Not that I am ready to give up just yet, it's just that I didn't think that Batman and I were on the same page and with so many other things going on, it just seemed like one more thing I didn't want to think about. Here's what's going on: we are attempting to get out of debt (other than our house payment) and since we have 2 car payments, a motorcycle payment, college loans, credit payment, and normal household expenses it's been a journey. A good one, but a little daunting. This weekend we figured out how long it will take (3ish years) and it was pretty eye opening. We are sacrificing a LOT to make it work in our favor (aka no more impulse "those cute shoes are on sale and I have to have them" buys) but it kind of sucks all the same (you can check out the way it works here ), we are also trying to adopt a better, healthier lifestyle. We have been reading this book and it really makes you think about what kinds of things you are putting in your body! It is basically an advocate for changing from eating animal protein (aka meat, eggs, dairy) to plant protein. It gives study upon study of why animal protein is not good for you and how MOST of it leads to cancer of some kind or another. I realize that switching to a vegan lifestyle will probably get me ridiculed on a daily basis (since it's kind of synonymous with PETA activists and while I love animals, I have no problem chowing down on a good steak once in a while...) but I figure, why not do it for my health? Screw the social norms of "must eat meat"! On top of this we are TTC still and as a LOT of people know, this by itself is overwhelming at times. It's now come down to us going on meds (which I never even imagined we would have to do) and I think that the realization that I CAN'T do this on my "own" was just really heartbreaking. Add to that Batman is quitting smoking (Yay go Batman) and drinking in an effort to lower his blood pressure, we are "trying" to get to the gym more* (read *more than 3 times a week*), work is just CRAZY for me right now, and then there are the normal everyday issues of laundry, dishes, dinner, cleaning, etc.
I know it doesn't sound like a whole lot, but for some reason it just felt like so much was on my plate and I couldn't do anything and I had no control on any of it (I still feel a little that way).
Batman and I spent a good portion of the evening just talking and sorting through all our feelings on every matter. It was probably the first time we have done this in a LONG time (apparently our communication was failing) but it was GREAT! It was almost like a big portion of the weight was lifted. Now, I don't feel completely back to "normal" but it really, really helped to get it all out. At least today is better. I think I just needed to cry and talk it out with him. God, he is an amazing husband!
So we will just go forward from here. Changes are inevitable when you move forward. I just need to remember that they are all for the better.

Monday, September 22, 2008

One day more....

until I test/ start Provera... then it's only a matter of a few days (okay 5 days of Provera and then a couple days until AF actually shows) before I get to start the babytrain going again! YES! :) I really am excited that we might actually have a chance next cycle!

Sunday, September 21, 2008

My Team WON!!

So my team played the Ducks on Saturday, stirring up more than a little excitement, anxiety, nervousness, happiness, etc in my little heart... and wonder of all wonders... THEY WON!! WOOT WOOT!!

I have no idea how it was even possible seeing at Oregon was ranked 17 and 12 in the polls and my measly little team was down at 29... well folks, we have no graduated into the top 20 thanks to that little win :) My team hadn't beat a BCS ranked team on the road in... well let's just say it's been a while (their record for that was 0-13) but now the goose egg is no longer! Ha ha! In your face you Duck slimeballs!

I have always been a fair-weathered fan of football (besides my "real" team growing up) so being so engrossed in a football game (or games since this it's now been what? 4 years... eek!) is just plain W.E.I.R.D for me. I guess we'll see how the rest of the season goes... who knows I just may become a bonefied fan for life?

Monday, September 15, 2008

No more Mario Kart... please no more!

So we had some friends come in from out of town over the weekend (you can see them here). Batman was ecstatic as J is a good friend and we don't get to see them often, since they live up in Spok-compton and all. They came in on Friday and we partied up along with Megs and E-ric (the usual Friday crew). My one rationalization for drinking so heavily is that this cycle is basically a bust as still no O (see below for the details lol) and I definitely drank. it. up. (sad but true) Our friends turned me on to the most incredible beer I think I have ever tasted! It's made right here in the great state of Idaho even! Oh my TASTY! ;-) I highly recommend it :) They brought a whole case, which is now gone sad to say... I can't tell you how fantastic it was!!!
And as the title of my post alludes to, we played literally hours upon hours of Mario Kart and while it was entertaining for the most part, I am completely and utterly SICK of this game (that and I am just terrible at it!) If I never have to see another Rainbow Road, I can die a happy woman. I can't stress this enough! Batman thinks it's the best game in the world right now (along with the Wii Fit which I have to admit is pretty fun... but I digress) and so wants to play it ALL THE TIME! Ugh! Everytime he turns it on, I now walk out of the room.

Our friends stayed until about 2 yesterday and then Batman and I got to work. We cleaned the house, which was a disaster after having people stay with us (totally not a bad thing, just a fact), did laundry, went grocery shopping, did more laundry, went and dropped a few things off at my IL, and came home and collapsed! We ended up watching an AWESOME show last night called Fringe. It's on Fox and will be on on Tuesday nights! I recommend it highly! We were completely rivetted to it last night and I can't wait for this Tuesday to watch the next episode! J and D made it home safely too (always a plus when driving 7 hours to get home).

So I also have been POAS all weekend and still no O... definitely a bust on this cycle. We didn't really BD a whole lot (well at least not on Friday or Saturday), since J and D were just one room over and our house doesn't have the thickest walls, if you catch my meaning. I think we made up for it on Sunday though ;-) I am getting kind of excited to start the Clomid train :) At least it will be helping my body do what it's supposed to! YES! Only about a week to go...

Friday, September 12, 2008

Still no O

Oh where o' where did my little O go? O'where o' where can it be?

I certainly have found the "other O" on more than one occasion in the last week, but the little O that I (so desperately) want, is not to be found... I guess this cycle is a bust, just like I knew it would be. Eh, what can you do? At least this time next month I might just have O'd and be in the 2WW! YES! (who'da thunk I would WANT to be there?)
Come on CD 30! I'm ready for ya...HPT in hand. At least time I won't get myself worked up over the BFN at the end. Not that I do that. Okay maybe once or twice I have let myself actually think it might be a BFP, but only twice. At the most. Definitely not more than 3 times. *eye roll*
If I do end up Oing in the next couple of days I may wait to test until I have an adequate LP, but then again maybe not. I am anxious to get this show on the road. FO' shizzle! Lol!

Wednesday, September 10, 2008

A plan, a plan! Woot!

Whew! I'm so glad that appt is done and over... okay actually it really wasn't bad at all! :)

I got there and waited for about 5 min or so before being taken back by the nurse. I got to bypass having my weight checked (YAY!) since I was there mainly for "family planning." We (the nurse and I) decided to go ahead and do an annual as well since it has been about a year since the last one which was fine. She left, I changed into the LOVELY gown and lap sheet and waited about 5 more min before my doc came in.

I just have to say again I LOVE MY DOC! Okay that said, the rest of the appt was pretty dang good! He comes in, says it's great to see me, yadda yadda the normal pre- annual chit chat. He asks me what we have been doing TTC wise and asks me what my concerns/ questions are since it has been and year and he thought he would have seen me before now. I asked a lot about my irregular cycles and whether or not I am even Oing, what could this be related to, what is his normal plan of action, where do we start first, etc. He was amazed by all my knowledge, which was kind of fun :) I said that's all thanks to my friends at ivillage! lol! He thinks I am not Oing every cycle if at all and was pretty concerned when I told him my shortest cycle in the last year was around 35 days. We came up with a plan of action, then he did the normal Pap and boob exam. He came back in (after I was dressed of course) and had me go for b/w which I should find out the results today or tomorrow. I know they normally do this on CD 3 but he thought this would still give him some idea of what's going on with my body, so we shall see.

So here is our plan: wait this cycle out until CD 30. Take HPT and if neg start on provera. Wait for AF. On CD3 -7 take 50mg of clomid once a day. Start OPKs at CD12. If I have not gotten a positive by CD16 discontinue OPKs and wait for CD30 again to POAS. If neg start provera again and call to up clomid dosage. Again use OPKs until CD16 and if still neg wait again for CD30, yadda yadda yadda. When we can get me Oing again then he wants to do HSG to see if there are any blockages (although he said he doesn't think I do) and then at that point if we are STILL not preggo, have DH do SA (since DH is still on the fence on whether or not he *can* do that). From there we will see what the results are and possibly do a clomid with trigger w/o IUI, and if even THAT doesn't work then he wants to refer me on to RE. At any time though if I would feel more comfortable with being referred then he will do so.

I highly doubt that I will get a + if I POAS on CD 30 unless it is an OPK. It's CD17 and my cervix is still closed up tight with no CM to speak of. So I guess we will be moving onto clomid next cycle! I really couldn't be happier with how my appt when, even if I was a nervous wreck going in!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008

D day

So today is appt day... so i guess the title really should be A day? I'm starting to get more and more nervous as the day progresses, but I am really going to try to keep calm. It's just a visit to the dr office after all! Jeeze, you would think I was going to the firing squad or something.

I have a list of questions to ask and I am still debating on whether or not to print out my charts. For most of this last year all I checked was CP and CM. I temped a couple months, but it just didn't work for me since I am a restless sleeper (as in I get up AT LEAST 2-3 times a night EVERY NIGHT). So I am wondering if he would even want to see them since they don't exactly "prove" that I O? HMM... still undecided on that point, but if nothing else I can write down all my cycle lengths (including the last 2 that were HELLISHLY LONG!!)

I kind of know there is something wrong with me, but I am really freaked out for him to confirm those fears. Is that weird? Batman and I talked about it last night and at this point he is not really sure he is up to a SA, but would like them to do MY testing first to rule that out, then go from there. I think I am fine with that. After reading Candi's SA results though, it makes me EXTREMELY nervous what Batman's results could be as he is also a smoker :( I guess we can cross that bridge when we come to it. Sigh...

i just have to make it until this afternoon...

Sunday, September 7, 2008

Weekend... schmeekend

So this was a pretty uneventful weekend. Batman had drill so was out at the base both Saturday and today from 5-2 which meant I was pretty much free to do as I wanted.
Saturday I went with my MIL to Art in the Park, a yearly tradition for us, although this year was a first as neither of us were really looking for anything specific as in years past. It was super crowded (remind me next year to make sure we get there EARLY), but the weather was just beautiful, so that helped. We also went out to the outlet mall and snagged a few good deals :) Hanes had some stellar panties on sale! Woot! There is nothing like a new pair of underwear to make a girl feel good. Am I right? And although I hardly EVER buy anything from Dress Barn (read have never and will probably never again) I found a very cute jacket for $16! Woot again!! :)
Today has been spent cleaning, doing laundry, cleaning and cleaning some more. With a dog like Kino vacuuming constantly is pretty much a given. His hair gets EVERYWHERE! So after vacuuming each room about 5 times, I finally was satisfied most of the dog hair was gone and moved on to more productive measures... laundry. EEK! I had no idea it had piled up so bad. That's what I get for not doing a bit in the middle of the week I guess? Lesson learned... note to self: do at least one load of laundry every day to avoid the mountain I had this weekend. That's about it. We have been working on a new budget system the last couple of months so we have been working on that this evening. Woo doggy I never realized how much money I would spend on STUPID shit until we started dissecting everything. EEK! At least it has now been curbed to a mere trickle of what it used to be.

In other news, the countdown continues... my doc appt is in 2 more days. I am getting a little anxious again, but well... that's just a given. At least I will have gotten it over with in 48 hours.

Friday, September 5, 2008

Pics from Camp... finally

Photobucket Album

Whoa that came out HUGE... not what I was expecting, but I can't seem to fix it so OH WELL... anyway you can look at the pics from our cheer camp a few weeks ago.
****WARNING**** I am NOT a photographer so some are blurry/ out of focus/ just downright ugly...

Thursday, September 4, 2008

Happy Birthday To Me!

So today is my birthday... for some reason I have been half dreading it/ half excited about it (the excited bit is pretty normal as I am kind of spoiled ;P ) I am a year older and no closer to my goals which I find extremely disappointing and sad. I always thought that by 27 I would be a mom. That is glaringly NOT the case to my utter dismay. I haven't gone back to school yet. And while I really love my job, I REALLY wish I were making more $$ (but who doesn't?) TTC seems to be the biggest disappointment of them all though.
It's just that I never thought I would have trouble TTC!! It's been so long, and yet it was so easy (read unplanned/ unexpected) the first time, and now I just keep losing hope :(
I guess what I need to do is dwell on the positives in my life this year instead of the hopelessness that I feel right now.
So here goes:
1. I have a hubby who is AMAZING and whom I completely adore! and who spoils me rotten most of the time, even if I am a raging bitch to him when I am PMSy. I am so happy I found me a good one
2. I have a wonderful family who love me unconditionally even if I forget to call them more than once a week
3. I have in laws that are more like good friends than relatives (which in my book is a REALLY GOOD thing)
4. I have my furbaby Kino who I just love to pieces! (hair and all)
5. I got really spoiled this year with a new coach,a wii fit, and some nice pieces of china... what more could a girl ask for?
6. I am going to DC in April with my Mom which is a DREAM trip/ vacation for me!
7. God is still in control even if I feel like I'm losing it!

Okay I feel a little better already... now it's just too bad that I have practice tonight and can't seduce... I mean coerce Batman into taking me out to dinner...

Wednesday, September 3, 2008


So I only have 6 days left until my appt. I am kind of freaking out a little bit because... well, that's what I do when I go see my doc. Even though he is the BEST doc in the entire world and I feel completely comfortable baring my vag and other things to him (Batman probably hates knowing that) I still get myself thoroughly worked into a frenzy when I have to go see him. Annual appt, immunization, bloodwork, it matters not.
I hope he can figure out what is WRONG with me!!!

The weekend was absolutely fabulous! I got everything done that I wanted to which included getting all my autumn decorations up. Plus I even had a full day (yesterday) to relax, veg on the couch, and watch my favorite shows. We don't have cable so I have to settle for what is on free tv but I really heart Martha and Rachel ;-) How can you NOT? They were both fantastic!

Last night... cheer practice (is it evil that I have been using some of my crossfit workouts for their conditioning?)... tonight... softball... tomorrow... birthday... wait forget about that last one... friday... hopefully dinner with Batman? We'll see

Okay now I just have to get through this day!