Have you ever had those days when you are just sitting at your desk and all the sudden you have an epiphany? That happened to me today. I was sitting here "chatting" on gmail with Megs and it hit me... This time next month I could *actually* be preggo. I don't think I have been this optimistic since C1 about 3 and 1/2 years ago. I mean, yes, I have been optimistic in the past and had months of sincere hope somewhere in the last few years, but for some reason in the last year of TTC I think I may not have ever been this filled with the actual possibility of getting preggo! Oh my goodness I could have wept, I was so joyful!!!
And then the crazy roller coaster hormones kicked in AGAIN and I quickly felt anxious, then sad that it also might not be our cycle. I almost wept...
Ugh! I will only be too happy to no longer be taking Provera... seriously!
Last night was quite the roller coaster as well.
Batman came home with a wonderful little surprise for me that I L.O.V.E.D. and can't wait to watch tonight. That was the extent of the happiness for the evening though. I was feeling lethargic and kind of melancholy, didn't want to go on a jog with Batman (which kind of pissed him off) and just sat on my ass until the neighbors called to go on a walk (we do this most nights as I have an overweight dog that could really use the exercise... not to mention myself, and they have 2 dogs that need to expend some energy). Deb and I spent pretty much the ENTIRE walk bitching and moaning about our hubbies and just life in general. (I don't really get where she is coming from though as her husband just got home from Afghan on Sunday... I wouldn't really be complaining about anything he was doing, but whatever)
She kindly gave me a box of mac-n-cheese for dinner though, so I can't really be too hard on her (mac-n-cheese is my weakness!).
I watched The Office with Batman (favorite show in the whole world BTW... GO JIM for finally proposing to Pam... sorry for those who have DVR'd but not watched yet) and promptly got pissed off at nothing and took myself off to bed.
I have to say one thing here: Thank GOD Batman is a saint!
After crawling in bed, Batman and I talked about our days (the usual), at which point I flew off the handle at him being a little upset that I didn't work out with him (I am constantly telling him how much I HATE how much weight I have gained and how much I LOATHE my body) and then started crying when he said he was just sad that I didn't want to make any changes even though I complain about myself. And then I cried harder when he said he loved me anyway, but just doesn't like to see me unhappy with how I look or any part of myself (what a sweet, sweet man).
Can I just say again, I will only be too happy to take my last pill tomorrow? I don't think Batman (Or I) could take too many more days of this.
I realize that pregnancy will bring this out again (as last time I was preggo Batman and I almost didn't get married and then almost got divorced... no joke) but I have high hopes of being able to combat it somewhat. I think going into it "knowing" I will be an emotional basketcase, Batman will be better prepared this time around. As will I. This is probably completely flawed.
Until then I will try not to get pissed off or cry at the drop of a hat over the next few days.