Tuesday, September 23, 2008

BFN, Provera and being overwhelmed

So today is the day... I POAS and well, BFN (big surprise) so Provera it is! I'll pick it up on my way home tonight and take it before I go to bed. I'll be on it for 5 days and then we wait for AF. Moving on...

Last night was rough for me. I just am feeling so overwhelmed by all the craziness in our lives right now. I almost gave up on TTC altogether! Not that I am ready to give up just yet, it's just that I didn't think that Batman and I were on the same page and with so many other things going on, it just seemed like one more thing I didn't want to think about. Here's what's going on: we are attempting to get out of debt (other than our house payment) and since we have 2 car payments, a motorcycle payment, college loans, credit payment, and normal household expenses it's been a journey. A good one, but a little daunting. This weekend we figured out how long it will take (3ish years) and it was pretty eye opening. We are sacrificing a LOT to make it work in our favor (aka no more impulse "those cute shoes are on sale and I have to have them" buys) but it kind of sucks all the same (you can check out the way it works here ), we are also trying to adopt a better, healthier lifestyle. We have been reading this book and it really makes you think about what kinds of things you are putting in your body! It is basically an advocate for changing from eating animal protein (aka meat, eggs, dairy) to plant protein. It gives study upon study of why animal protein is not good for you and how MOST of it leads to cancer of some kind or another. I realize that switching to a vegan lifestyle will probably get me ridiculed on a daily basis (since it's kind of synonymous with PETA activists and while I love animals, I have no problem chowing down on a good steak once in a while...) but I figure, why not do it for my health? Screw the social norms of "must eat meat"! On top of this we are TTC still and as a LOT of people know, this by itself is overwhelming at times. It's now come down to us going on meds (which I never even imagined we would have to do) and I think that the realization that I CAN'T do this on my "own" was just really heartbreaking. Add to that Batman is quitting smoking (Yay go Batman) and drinking in an effort to lower his blood pressure, we are "trying" to get to the gym more* (read *more than 3 times a week*), work is just CRAZY for me right now, and then there are the normal everyday issues of laundry, dishes, dinner, cleaning, etc.
I know it doesn't sound like a whole lot, but for some reason it just felt like so much was on my plate and I couldn't do anything and I had no control on any of it (I still feel a little that way).
Batman and I spent a good portion of the evening just talking and sorting through all our feelings on every matter. It was probably the first time we have done this in a LONG time (apparently our communication was failing) but it was GREAT! It was almost like a big portion of the weight was lifted. Now, I don't feel completely back to "normal" but it really, really helped to get it all out. At least today is better. I think I just needed to cry and talk it out with him. God, he is an amazing husband!
So we will just go forward from here. Changes are inevitable when you move forward. I just need to remember that they are all for the better.

6 comments:

Andrea said...

I absolutely know that feeling of being overwhelmed! When I think of all I want to do in the near future [got back to school, get pregnant AND save money], I just feel like I'm way in over my head. Talking to Jim definitely helps..he always makes me feel like we're in this together and that I'm NOT in this alone. Your hubby sounds the same way :)

Don't beat yourself up over feeling this way. Sometimes life gets rough and there is no shame in saying "I can't do this and need help."

Ophelia said...

{{{HUGS}}}

TTC alone is overwhelming Tiff... combine it with everyday life, bills, stress, marriage, and it all adds up! Trust me, I know.

It's awesome that your husband is so supportive :) If anything comes out of this journey at all, at least you can reflect on how amazing your husband really is and appreciate him all the more for it.

Morgan said...

I hope God blesses with you guidance and support while you try to get things on track, or keep them on track..whatever it is. You are in my thoughts! YAY to good husbands!

Melissa said...

I'm so sorry about the BFN. Believe me, I know what it's like to want to quit TTC. It's a very stressful rollercoaster ride, especially once the fertility drugs get added to the mix.

Good for you for adopting a healthier lifestyle. Who knows, that may help boost your BFP odds in the future. Wishing you all the best.

nancy said...

~hugs~. Bummer. I'm sorry!

BTW, I can't read your blog with those orange flowers on the left side. Can you darken your letters?

Marie said...

I think this is going around. Overwhelmed is the new pink :(