Sunday, December 4, 2011

Tough moments

So to fill you all in on what's been happening the last few days... It's been a roller coaster of emotions once again.

 As I said in my first ttc update, I POA OPK the other day and it was negative (somehow I rationalized it was as good as peeing on HPT since if I was preggo it would more than likely be + as it was with B), which was all I had at the time. There was a small part of me that was holding out hope that I still could, in fact, be knocked up (some serious IPS/RPS going on) so I picked up a dollar store cheapie and low and behold there was a faint line. I was skeptical because it was so faint, but it was there. I comiserated with a good GF (whom I met on IV and we've since become good long distance IRL friends) and she confirmed that it was in fact + and that I should be congratulated. That was Wed afternoon.

Fast forward to Friday. POAS #2. Also positive. Still pretty faint, but definitely a line (although it was faint enough that my first thought was that it was negative). Batman even saw the line, was skeptical but optimistic.

At the urging of above friend, I called my doc's office, who also said a line is a line is a line is a line... They called in orders for BW for anytime I want them this next week for a beta (or 2 depending on the numbers). They also had me make an first OB appt and u/s.

And I let myself be excited. And hopeful. And I daydreamed. And I asked Brynna if she wanted to be a big sister. And did she want to have a sister or a brother (sister btw). And for one moment, I felt like "wow, it really can be an easy process."

And then woke up this morning after many, many dreams of seeing 2 really pretty pink lines and I went to POAS this morning, just to see if the line was getting darker. It was a defective test. No lines whatsoever. I should have taken that as a bad omen.

I wiped. Clots, bright red blood.

It's over.

No cramping, but I hardly ever cramp, even with past miscarriages.

I knew better than to let myself dream. To let myself get excited. To really believe that it was happening and so easily.

Batman isn't too disappointed. To him it was just an egg and a sperm.

But to me? To me that was a son or daughter I won't get to meet. To me, that was a sister or brother that Brynna doesn't get to be a big sister to. To me it was a BABY. Not just a bunch of cells. To me it was hope.

I told myself I wasn't going to get upset. I told myself I wasn't going to cry. But dammit I can't help it. I wanted this one so bad. As bad as I wanted Brynna.

And I feel so alone.

Lord? Where are you today?

17 comments:

The Captain's Wife said...

oh hun. a loss is always harder on us then our partners. {{hugs}} try to look at the positive though, you managed to get ku'ed with no meds right? How awesome is that? your body is working! i am a firm believer that our bodies reject a pregnancy because it knows that isn't the right one. Keep at it, the right one will stick...

Mamma Bug said...

Just (hugs). Take care of yourself.

Lauren said...

I'm so sorry:( (((hugs)))

Ella said...

Oh, I am so sorry T. I know how you feel, and it is so so so not fair. I wish it *had* been easy... :/ Take care and hug that sweet girl of your a little tighter today.

Christina said...

I'm so sorry {{HUGS}}

Emma said...

big big hugs to you... i'm so sorry =(

~*JaYmE*~ said...

I'm so sorry. Sending you lots of (((HUGS)))

Charlotte said...

Hey T,
I'm so so sorry. I know exactly how you feel...after that happened to me in the spring, I felt the same exact way, and no one else could really understand. Know that you are not alone. Big, huge hugs. xoxoxo, Margelina

Shannon said...

I'm so sorry T. I know how much it hurts. I hope that this mean just like with B you'll be getting another BFP right away.

Coco said...

Oh gosh, T. I'm so sorry. It doesn't matter how far along you are, loss hurts bad. Please take care of yourself!

Melissa said...

((Hugs)) Tiff. I had quite a few early losses before I had my girls. In my case, it was low progesterone and we quickly remedied that, but I do know what it's like to lose that hope. It's more than just a few cells; it's the pregnancy you wanted so very badly, a sibling for Brynna, hopes and dreams and excitement. I am so sorry, Hon. My prayers and positive thoughts are with you.

someday-soon said...

I'm so sorry Tiff {{{HUGS}}

Happily Married said...

Oh, T. I'm so sorry. I am happy to hear that you were able to see a BFP without any help but I know this outcome doesn't make that easy to see. No words take the sting out of what you're going through, although I wished it could. Take some time to cry. Time for you. And when you feel ready to climb back on that TTC train, do. We're here for you to cry on our proverbial shoulder whenever you need. Many ((((HUGS)))).

ifcrossroads.com said...

I'm so so sorry Tiff. xoxo

Teresa said...

Oh, T, my heart hurts for you today. What a crazy roller coaster indeed! I'm encouraged that you guys DID make it happen though :)
And to answer your question about where the Lord is....He's right there, holding you and supporting you while he cries with you as well

Kitty said...

Still thinking of you! I had the same thing happen to me in the lats 7 days. I'm thinking of you and we're going to get our sticky bfps very soon! Hugs and love!
Kitty

Kitty said...

I'm not sure what happened to the msg I left a week ago but I'm really sorry for your loss! Really, really sorry! Hang in there!
Kitty