Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Still Bitter

I wonder if I'll always feel the sting of bitterness from my IF days? I really try and be happy for people who get their BFPs the first month in. Really. I TRY! But there is this HUGE side of me that just feels resentment at the fact that they didn't have to wait at all. They didn't have to deal with trying for months and years just to get 2 pink lines. They didn't have to experience loss before they found happiness.
I kind of wonder if IF has screwed me up for life? I just have a hard time being GENUINELY and truly happy for those lucky first timers. I would never wish any kind of IF on anyone (and I know that I didn't have to go through what some women do) but it still gets to me. Will that ever change you think?
Anyone else have this same complex?

20 comments:

Kriss said...

I can assure you that the memory will always be there BUT it does get easier. IF won't always sting so badly. Also, sometimes those same friends when trying for number two sometimes find out what it's like to try months on end. It's then that you will find compassion because you would never wish that on a close friend or family member. It's then too that they will understand that time in your life and be able to identify with it. (HUGS)-kriss

Ella said...

I totally have this complex as well -- I know I am happy for them, but I think I am honestly just JEALOUS of their naivety. They get to be happy and pregnant and not think about all the dark and horrible things that could go wrong... that DID go wrong for us. :( Don't feel bad, it's normal.

karmapearl said...

I feel that way a little bit, too. Even though I am finally pregnant after my loss, I feel a little bit of jealousy at women who don't have to try to get pregnant, get pregnant on "accident", or get pregnant very easily. Of course there's no logical reason for me to be jealous, I have my own little baby growing inside of me but at the same time, there is that small little jealous and bitter voice inside my head... You're not alone. *hugs*

Happily Married said...

I know exactly what you mean because I still feel that sting too, even when it's a close friend or family member. IF changes you in a way that we never expect but what you're feeling is totally normal. Sending you HUGS and hoping that it does get easier like Kriss said.

Christina said...

I know what you mean. I feel guilty because when my best friend got her BFP after only 4 days with her boyfriend I was pissed! I wasn't happy for her at all. It did turn out to be ectopic but I can't get over how she can spend 4 days in one month with a guy and get pregnant!! I sort of feel guilty for feeling that way but it's just unfair how things work out for some.

~*JaYmE*~ said...

I dont think it could go away. I haven't experienced being pregnant (yet!) but I think when I do I will still feel the same as I do now about IF. Maybe not but I think it probably sticks w/you forever.

Jen said...

I wasn't diaganosed as having IF, but it still took us 14 months to get pregnant, then the miscarriage. We had just started the testing and everything had came back perfect.

I do know what you mean though. I think lots of times people take getting pregnant for granted and don't realize how stressful it is for those who don't get pregnant easily.

I really dont know if it is a feeling that can easily go away. I mean I'm truly happy for people who do get pregnant after only a few months of trying, but at the same time it does sting just a bit.

Joelle said...

I do not have IF. It only took me 3 months of TTC for a BFP. And even I resent people that get a BFP on the first try. Not bc it took me 3 measly months. bc I have friends that deserve to be happy, and want to be mommies and have not yet been successful. It's not the lucky BFPers fault, but it is still a slap in the face.

Amy said...

I have the same issue, and for me it has not gotten any better. Hopefully that will change after our LO are here, but in the end I resent that I still have so many friends that deserve there BFP and have yet to receive it.

Jen said...

I totally understand: my little sister - who of course is completely irresponsible and not even planning on a child - just found out she's pregnant. My entire family was overjoyed, but I was crushed, and even a bit furious. She didn't even try! (I've whined at length about this on my blog, so I'll refrain for now, haha).

The point is, I think it's totally normal that even though you are wonderfully, happily pregnant yourself, to feel frustrated and resentful that others do not have to go through all the struggles and pain to get where you are. I have no idea why life works out that way, but trust me: you are not alone!

Melissa said...

You are not alone. Even though I now have a beautiful and healthy little girl - the baby I've always dreamed of - I am still rather bitter. I am angry that it took us so long to conceive. I am angry that we've had to endure losses. I am angry that we needed countless doctor appointments to get here. I am angry that my baby was conceived in a doctor's office rather than in the privacy of my own home.

I will always be bitter and resentful of everyone who conceives quickly and naturally. Sure, time has helped heal many of the wounds of infertility... and having a baby has helped me overcome my previous losses. But I'd be lying if I said that I wasn't bitter/angry/jealous with the women who get pregnant easily.

With that being said, I realize that everyone has their struggles in life. It may have taken us quite a bit to get pregnant, but I had an awesome pregnancy and a birth I could only dream of. Other women have not been so fortunate in that respect. My baby is healthy, we're financially secure and we have a fantastic marriage. Again, many other women cannot say the same. So yes, everyone has his/her own set of struggles in life. Would I be happier if we had gotten pregnant on our first try but ended up with a terribly sick or handicapped child? Absolutely not. In hindsight, infertility wasn't the worst thing. Everyone has a different set of struggles in life.

Even though the bitterness of infertility is still with me, I am just now coming to terms with it all. It's taken me a while to realize that I've been pretty damn blessed.

But yes, you are completely normal to feel resentful. I don't think the resentment ever goes away 100%.

Coco said...

I recently read that this is a completly normal and common feeling to have for a while after IF. Sucks, huh?

Erin said...

I totally understand how you could feel that way. I think too, though, that everyone has their battles in life. For some people it's IF, for some it's the loss of a parent or loved one, for some it's battling depression...

I think sometimes we feel hurt because it's the most important issue to US, but we don't always see the full picture of these "lucky" lives.

Rikki said...

I think that what you are feeling is normal.

I don't think the feeling would will go away completely either, maybe it'll be lessened once your baby girl is here, but it won't be 100% gone. It will NEVER be fair that you had to go through hell to get pregnant and expierence a loss.

I also think you are 100% justified in feeling this way. Eventhough I've never been there I can only imagine that I'd feel the same way.

onemoreinthemix said...

I think it is perfectly OK that you feel this way. I was never diagnosed as IF, and I didn't have to wait nearly as long or go through nearly as much as some women have to. But even so, I feel the same way you do about those 1st try BFP-ers. I think once you've tried to get pregnant for MONTHS (OR MORE!), you just start to resent those who have it so easy. And its really b/c we know that most of them probably take it for granted and don't appreciate how hard it COULD have been.

While we're on the subject, the thing that really makes me angry is the women who are pregnant with their 2nd, 3rd, 5th, whatever and all they do is bitch and complain about how awful it is to be pregnant. They only complain, they don't seem to be thankful for the miracle they've been given...AGAIN....when so many people just want that ONE time.

OK, I'm off the soapboax. :-)

Chelle said...

I think I will always have that bitter feeling-no matter how I try not to.

PS-Love the background!

"Adair Flair" said...

It is REALLY hard to not feel that way...but i just have to keep reminding myself that it is all part of a bigger plan and it was just that little person's time to come to this world. I KNOW what you are feeling and I have little sympathy when people complain to me that it took them 5 months...man...wouldn't that be nice. I know our little person will make their entrance someday soon. Don't feel bad for feeling that way...it is HARD to go through IF...

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Teresa said...

YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Kelly C. said...

It still hurts, but it does get easier. What really bugs me is when people say "I just looked at him and got pregnant" or some other variation. But, they don't understand and I can't make them understand unless they go through it. When you are holding your sweet baby in your arms, you will feel MUCH less bitter, trust me. It is well, WELL worth the wait and I would have done it much longer to have the joy of the child I have now.