Thursday, July 22, 2010

Remembering

All Tuesday long I spent not remembering what the day was. I was so focused on the fact that Wednesday B would be 9 months, that I pushed out of my mind what I usually thinking about on that day.

And then after she went to bed and I was alone (since Batman's working nights), I poured myself a glass of wine, remembered and cried.

My son would have been 6 years old.

Brynna would have her older brother to show her the ropes of life.

It's hard, looking back, remembering, imagining what our life would be like if Gabriel had lived. If he hadn't had triploidy.

I miss my son. I miss the lost time, the getting to know him, the watching him grow. I miss that 6 years of my life have passed and the wound still hurts, especially on July 20th.

Until B was born, Mother's Day was an especially hard day. Not only because of IF, but because I got to be someone's mom for just a moment in time and then... I wasn't.

But I've put it all back in a box. All the emotion, all the hurt, all the heartache. All the remembering. It's silly that I only allow myself one day a year to be really and truly sad (It's better if I compartmentalize it), but that's what works for me.

It's interesting that the day was easier than most years. I think Brynna helped make it that way. I got to hug on my girl when she was asleep and just cry. Cry for what I've lost and for what I have and what I'm thankful for.

9 comments:

snhg1129 said...

I to give myself a day to remember every year on Oct 15 I remember Wyatt and Madyson and I will always have that special day to remember them. Stay strong and he is watching over your daughter even if she doesnt know it....

Coco said...

I'm so sorry your missing your little boy T! I'm thinking about you.

The Captain's Wife said...

You'll always be his mommy....(((hugs)))

ifcrossroads said...

I'm so sorry T. I really am. I can't imagine what it must be like to have that in the back of your mind. (((hugs)) and I'm so sorry again.

Andrea said...

Aw, Tiffany, I'm thinking about you. I'm glad you have Bryanna to hold in your arms now but it's perfectly okay to mourn over the loss of your son...no matter how long it's been.

someday-soon said...

I'm so sorry {{{HUGS}}} Gabriel will always be a lucky little boy to have you as a mommy, even if just for a moment.

Kimmygintx said...

{{HUGS}} I am so sorry. I like to think that our angels are watching over us in a better place... and we'll get to meet them someday.

Ella said...

I'm so sorry :( Like others have said, you will always be his mommy...

Thinking of you!

Jen said...

Sorry you had a hard day. (((((HUGS))))
Your little boy is always with and will always be watching over you and your family.