Friday, October 31, 2008

I'm officially a basketcase

So I keep going back and forth on whether or not to test early or just wait it out until CD30 on Monday. One minute I am convinced that I really am pg and the next I am certain that I am not.
Well, this morning I *almost* POAS, but just couldn't bring myself to do it. What is wrong with me that I am so AFRAID of putting urine onto a test stick? What am I so afraid of? Why does a BFN bother me so much? I usually have little to no hope of ever getting a BFP, sad I know. I am always looking ahead as to what I will do, or do differently, during the next cycle. It's always "next time" or "next month" for me. Why is that? Seriously people, I think I am losing my mind.
I think this cycle has really hit Batman hard too. Reading his blog yesterday made me cry, knowing he is scared, but knowing he does want to be a dad. Reading the song he wrote about our son 4 years ago...
We (okay maybe just me) have been kind of actually hopeful that the Clomid worked and we might have done it. I try not to get my hopes up like this a lot because I know how devastated I get when there is only one line on that test. I cry for days, and at the drop of a hat (have I mentioned I am a pretty emotional person?) I know come Monday when I don't see two lines it will be a rough day (see doom and gloom, doom and gloom)
Maybe it's just that my BFF's babyshower (which I planned and am hosting BTW) is tomorrow and I am sad that it isn't mine. I don't know. My emotions are just all over the place today (okay they have been for a while now)
I was kind of nauseous this morning, but I can't read into that as any kind of IPS since it's way too early to be experiencing THAT pg symptom. I have been tired for the last, oh, week or so. I chalk that up to restless sleep and not working out. See? There are some signs there, but they can all be explained away.
I guess I am just hopeless today...


Andrea said...

Aww, hon..I really don't have any words of encouragement because I too get into those crazy emotional moods. More than I like to admit! And I can totally relate to your fear of POAS. I can't describe it either, but I know that feeling.

Remember, we're here for you! Vent, cry, yell away.

Morgan said...

I'm sorry, I know thats a very common word (sorry) but I truely am. I know that means nothing coming from a pregnant girl, but I was in your shoes for a year and half so I promise I know how it feels. I wish I knew the right words to tell you but when your day comes and you and your husband are blessed with a baby there is no doubt in my mind you will make a GREAT mommy and you have a wonderful husband who loves you very much and will make a GREAT daddy. If I know that, then so does God and when he thinks the time is right he will bless you both with what you have been waiting for. Until then, it's going to be hard but I'm here for ya the whole way! :) Smile, and have a good day!

Carbon said...

Crossables crossed for you! I admire your bravery and fortitude for planning and hosting a baby shower. You are truly an amazing friend, and I hope she appreciates you! :)

nancy said...


BFNs didn't really phase me too much, but I'd have to go into it gradually instead of all at once. If I ever waited until 14dpo, the hope would build and build and build. And then the BFN would destroy me. But if I started testing early, I would lose hope slowly. Like at 9dpo, I know it would be too early so I'd lose 5% of hope. Then 10dpo would lose 20% of hope. So on and so forth, until 14dpo's BFN would be 99% of my hope, but I took a little bit each day so I never had a huge disappointment all at once.

This is your very first "treatment" cycle, right? Well, not treatment but medicated. The hope that comes with medical intervention is ridiculous. Over my lifetime, I spent 39 cycles TTC, getting BFNs on 36 of them. Yup, 3 full YEARS of BFNs. They weren't all together. I had 17 cycles in a row, then 19 in a row. And none of them were harder than my medicated and treatment.

The first failed medicated cycle was bad because it was the "first" thing we ever tried medically. And then the first failed IUI? OMG. Terrible. Then my failed IVF had me crying for days.

I hope you don't have to feel that kind of disappointment. (sorry to leave such long comments lately. I don't know what's up with me)

Melissa said...

Like Nancy said, I always found it easier (i.e. less devastating) to test earlier as opposed to later. If I got a BFN at 10dpo, not all hope was lost. There was still a chance in my head.

But if I tested for the first time at 14dpo and got a BFN, then the blow was that much harder to take.

But at the same time, it's a bit silly and pointless to test early as you're more likely to get a BFN regardless of whether or not you're actually pregnant. It's just too early.

Do what you feel most comfortable with. I hope this is your month, though - fingers are crossed!

margelina said...

Hi! I found you through Morgans's blog. Just wanted to say that I understand being emotional and "doom and gloom" and hope you get those 2 lines soon!!(((hugs)))