Saturday, December 6, 2008

Baby Colin is here!

BFF had her baby boy about 2 hours ago :) 7 lbs 14 oz 21.5 in long. BEAUTIFUL!! I haven't been to see them yet, but hopefully later this afternoon or tomorrow morning, but so far from pics, he is an angel! I can't wait to get my hands on the little love muffin! He is the sweetest thing I have ever seen (except for maybe my friend H's little man... he is pretty darn cute... and my nephew when he was a baby, also a doll)

Can I just be brutally honest though? I'm dying inside. There I said it. I am holding back tears right now because I am so sad that he isn't my little boy, that it wasn't me that just gave birth, that it isn't me. I feel bad for even feeling this way. I feel like I am not being a good friend because I know I will have a hard time seeing him and her, holding him, knowing it's not my turn... I don't know if any of this makes sense, or if it's normal, but I can't help but feel jealous? Is that really what I am feeling? All I know is it hurts to see her have exactly what I have been longing for for the last 4 years.
And on top of my sadness I feel angry because she plays off her pregnancy as if she were an IFer. Like 6 mos was just SUCH a LONG time to get preggo. That she has any idea of what I am going through. And I am angry because she didn't even want kids for another 3-5 years but as soon as she found out we were TTC, she had to keep up with the Jones's and jump on the baby train.
ARGH! Why can't I just let all this go and just be happy for her. It's not her fault that her body works the way it should and mine just... well, doesn't.
I hate that I have become bitter. I hate it! Why can't this process just be easy? Why can't we just get pregnant? :*(


margelina said...

Congrats to your friend!
Your feelings are completely feel how you feel.
I can tell you that for me, even though I have children already, I still feel a twinge of jealousy and sadness when I see people with their babies, even if I know them or not. I've been working on ttc this next baby for nearly 18 months now, and each month those feelings seem to get worse.
You can't feel guilty for how you long as you are happy for your friend that is all that matters. I really hope you get your bfp soon! ((hugs))

Carbon said...

Your feelings are entirely normal! Though I have no right to comment from personal experience, I've read it over and over again with others who have been TTC for far too long. You are human, female, and want to be a mommy. The emotions are inevitable, almost like gravity! I'm just sorry that this has brought you down when you feel like you should be UP. (HUGS)

Melissa said...

Your feelings are so normal. I can't tell you how many times I had cried when I found out that someone was expecting. I felt like a horrible person when I couldn't even feign enough enthusiasm to congratulate them.

Know what's even worse? When my brother and SIL gave birth to their twins early last year, I was in the middle of my IF woes and I never found the strength to go visit my new nieces! In fact, I didn't see them until they were three months old, and even then I cried uncontrollably.

This journey is SO DIFFICULT - I know that better than anyone. It's one of the most difficult ordeals any couple can face and it's perfectly normal to feel jealousy, resentment, even outright anger towards others.

The only thing I can say is that your time WILL come. I know it seems like an impossibility at the moment... but when you finally get that sticky BFP, the pain of infertility will be a distant memory. I promise.

Hang in there and keep your chin up! Hopefully this cycle will finally bring your long awaited BFP.

Kelly said...

As the other ladies said, your feelings are TOTALLY normal. I remember last Christmas when my sil was pregnant, I couldn't even bear to be around her and then we went to a New Years party and I made my husband leave with me before midnight because there was a pregnant lady there and it was just too much for me to handle. As Melissa said, your time will come! It just sucks getting there.. but there is definitely light at the end of the tunnel... and that light will be totally worth it!! Huge ((((HUGS)))

The Captain's Wife said...

I wouldn't call it are sad for you, happy for her. Perfectly normal given the situation. This baby, like any baby, is a gift. There is nothing worse than being the one person in the room that doesn't get to open a gift. HUGS

Anonymous said...

{{{HUGS}}} I'm sorry Tiff. I know how you feel and it's completely normal.

Andrea said...

I'm completely with the other girls here...your feelings are valid and justified. You want to be a mommy and it hurts to see others getting that wish granted.